Need to vent a little about my other half!

We've been together for a long time now but we don't live together. He's never had kids of his own and is far too set in his ways to be able to live with children in his space 24/7 so it works best this way. He comes down to my house twice a week and I spend weekends up at his (either with or without my children depending on whether they're at their dad's or not). Of course, not having his own children doesn't stop him from having an oppinion on how best to raise them!

Last night we had WW3 on the phone. It all started when I gave my 10-year old daughter an ultimatum on Monday to get her bedroom cleaned up before Friday or I'd be in there with the black bags and it's all off to the tip. On the whole, I try to let the kids manage their own bedrooms and what they keep where but it had just become completely out of hand. You couldn't see the carpet for toys and clothes, books and papers everywhere.

By last evening, it was looking better ... still a bit more work needed but on the whole, on the right track.

My daughter's bedroom came up in the phone conversation and I ended up getting the third degree because I was not planning on getting rid of all her stuff. I explained that all the papers had been put away in drawers and that the toys / books / clothes were off the floor. He kept saying that it was "all just crap" and that I'm being "too soft" and that all her papers and drawings should go in the bin. I got really angry because to me, this shows her no respect. Just because he (or I) think her bits of paper are rubbish doesn't mean that they hold no value to her. What right would I have to just chuck out her things that she's made an effort to put away? What message is that sending to her? Granted, she could probably do with getting rid of a lot of the junk she's accumulating but she did what I asked ... she's tidied her room.

Anyway, I know I'm right and he's wrong (see the basis of the problem already? ) but now I'm really grumpy with the stubborn old control-freak and I'm not feeling very loving towards him AT ALL! Only problem is ... it's his birthday on Sunday

Thanks for letting me get it off my chest

Joanna

You're right to put your children first and what's it got to do with your 'Partner' if their bedrooms are a mess? I think control freaks are best left controlling their own lives and not worth the hassle. You deserve better and if you only see him on his terms then start dictating what you want out of this relationship.

I've had a few glasses of wine so I would probably be different in the morning. lol

Take care of you and your children like you have done.

Chris
xx

When my children were that age their rooms were disgusting to my eyes but they were THEIR rooms-the one little space in the world where they could be in charge and not have someone on their backs.
Yes, it drove me mad and yes, I would occasionally HAVE to say something or health and safety would have been in but I used to think that there were far more serious issues with pre teens/teens to have to worry about and so I let that problem go to leave me with a bit more energy to cope with all the other 'stuff'-far more dangerous and far more important.
By the way as a ps, my daughter's home is now kept spotless and so is my son's though to a lesser degree!

Dear Joanna,
My heart goes out to you, it really does!
I think this man needs a reality check.
Your daughter's stuff is her stuff.
Her drawings, her fondness for her things, need respecting and in her own bedroom
which is her private space, should be sacrosanct.
This girl,I don't know her age, has made a real effort to tidy things away because you
wanted her to. What a lovely girl she is to have tidied up.
My kids are now oldest guy, 33, daughter,32 and younger son 29.
I have never since they were 11'ish ever touched a thing in their rooms when they still
lived at home.
The only thing I would request removed was food if I ever saw any in their rooms left to one side.
But this hardly ever happened and I would say was mainly coffee or tea mugs maybe forgotten and
in their rooms.
My daughters room was allways lovely, but the boys!
But they liked their mess and as I did not wish to be their perpetual servant, I left them
to enjoy their squalor!
Also they objected to my being in their rooms! Goodness only knows what they had in there - it
was girls eventually!
I think that even now the two guys, they are too old to refer to as boys anymore, one has an 8 year old daughter
of his own, still clean up in one huge go, every now and then. But of course they have their own flats/room, etc.
It wouldn't suit me, but it suits them!
Much love too you,
Fiona
P.S my partner,Steve has his own place too, and he cleans up in one massive go occasionally and he is 50!

Thanks for all the replies!

She did a good job getting the floor cleaned up so at least I won't kill myself when I need to go in there! I've been in with the vacuum cleaner and she's really pleased to be able to see her carpet again. Long may it continue (HA HA HA)

Joanna

Joanna,

I think its hard for anyone to be completely tidy unless they own nothng or have infinite built in storage space. I suppose its one of those things where someone making a comment without fully appreciating the full picture. I think you sound like a great mum and I hope you get big payback next Sunday. You deserve it.

Hi Mary,

Thanks for asking ... I'm doing really well! I was just a bit grumpy with the old misery-guts (he can be a real control freak!). Sometimes, raising the kids on my own, you can doubt your own instincts and start thinking you've completely lost the plot so it's quite reassuring to hear I'm not doing anything most others wouldn't do too.

Hope you are doing well, too!

Joanna

You are right. Dont even consider throwing her things out.
Kathleen Mc.

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